A Famous Girl|Joke

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date.
"So how'd it go, Joe?" asked Bill.
"Terrible," admitted Joe. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never even got started."
Bill tried to comfort him, "It could have been worse, Joe. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?"
"Yeah," Joe replied, "but not in the Yellow Pages!"

A New Chevrolet Avalanche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser.
Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back.
He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

Jam & Bubble Gum

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.' The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .' The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.' Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia...
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?' The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!' Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States .

How to call the Police

WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian , Mississippi , was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Don't mess with old people.

Jokes|neighbors,I gave them

God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining his subordinates...
"Look everything should be in balance. For example, after every 10 deer's there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension...
And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes...
And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.
One of the angels asked... "God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?" God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA", my most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold...
The angel was quite surprised "But god you said everything should be in balance."
God replied - "Look at the neighbors, I gave them

Every time someone tells a lie|American Jokes

Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven. She meets St. Peter at the Gates,
and notices thousands of clocks. "What are all these clocks for?" she asks
St. Peter. "Each person has one," he replied. "They start at midnight, and
every time someone tells a lie, it moves ahead one minute. This one is
Mother Teresa's. She never lied, so it never moved. This one is George
Washington's. He told only two, so it is at two minutes past midnight."
Hillary looks around and asks, "So, where is Bill's clock?" "Oh ,"St. Peter
chuckled, "Jesus has that one in his office. He's using it as a ceiling
fan."
*******

Hilary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete
physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and can't
believe this has happened. She calls the White House and gets Bill on the
phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming: "How could you have
let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get
me pregnant!!! How could you?!
I just found out I am pregnant and it is your fault! How could you??? What
have you got to say???"
There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: "CAN YOU HEAR
ME???
Bill's quiet voice comes on in a barely audible whisper..."Who is this?"
*******

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about
how a penis is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says in
England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are
entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you
never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes
down after the act.
Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it
goes from mouth to mouth
*******

Bill and Monica are in the Whitehouse when Bill invites Monica into the Oval
office because he wants to show her a clock. While in the office Clinton
pulls down his pants and whips out his unit.
Monica gasps, Mr. Clinton that's not a clock, it's a cock!
Bill replies, well Monica if you put 2 hands and a face on it, it's a clock
*******

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After
the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before
him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm
sorry, I didn't know there was a choice.
*******

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White
House and said, "Mom & Dad, I have some great news for you. I am getting
married to the greatest hunk in Washington! He lives in Georgetown and his
name is Matt."
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with
you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time.
She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the
bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually
your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was
heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.
A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to
marry him! We're getting married in June." Again, her father insisted on
another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your
half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea became
furious upon hearing what her Dad had to say.
She decided to go to her Mother and tell her about his numerous
infidelities. After Chelsea told her Mom everything, she concluded crying,
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married. Every
time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."
Hillary just shook her head and replied, "Don't pay any attention to what he
says dear. He's not really your father."
*******

The history teacher wanted to award some of her students with a prize of
going home early on Friday. So she said "anyone that answers the following
questions first with the correct answer gets to go home! Little Johnny
thinks to himself "man I really need to go home early".
The teacher asks who said, " Ask not what my country can do for me but, what
can I do for my country"? Mary raises her hand first and says "John Kennedy.
The teacher says correct, you may go home.
Next she asks who said, "I have a dream"; Peggy raises her hand and says
Martin Luther King". "Correct" says the teacher you may go home.
"Damn I wish those bitches had kept their mouths shut," says Little Johnny.
"Who said that?" asks the teacher angrily? Bill Clinton! "See you Monday,
Teach" answers Johnny going out the door.
*******

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and
gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.
He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your
girdle."
The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched
her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up
we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your
bother!"
*******

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best
friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying
there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the
receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of
the conversation. ..
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you
called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds
terrific. Great!
Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful
time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'
*******

A woman gets out of the bath and puts on a towel. Her husband comes into the
bathroom to go to the toilet. The doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer
it wearing only the towel. She opens the door to find her next door neighbor
Bob standing on the doorstep. Bob wolf whistles and says 'I'll give you £200
if you drop the towel'. The woman doesn't want to miss out on £200, so she
drops the towel. Bob takes a good look at the naked woman then says his
goodbyes and leaves. As the woman closes the door her husband comes down
stairs. 'Who was that?' He asks. 'It was Bob' She says. 'Oh right, did he
give you that £200 that he owes me?'
*******

A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of
her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and
he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife irritated by
her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "anytime you're ready, Father
of Four!"

*******

Jokes| Funny letter to Matrimonial Ad

Folks, just read it...you will go crazy and will laugh and laaugh and laaaugh! Enjoy!!! Cheers, SR Hilarious Reply to a Matrimonial Ad in a Punjabi newspaper!!

Dear Madam:

I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Amritsar . Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab . I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking (only a Kingfisher in the evenings) but I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants are always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope.
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours,
Choudhary Bash Warraich,
born by mother in Bhindra di galli and become big,
and moneyed in Amritsar, Punjab

Jokes

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning
Kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the
Cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear
And comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both
Ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andrew says I'm ugly.What
Do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and
No one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
Yesterday".
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun
Or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need
It but the sun gives us light only in the day time
When we don't need it".
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on
Talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
5) My father is so old that when he was in school,
History was called current affairs.
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father
Is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father
That I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared,
Past year's performance repeated".
8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
Donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
Showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
Prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
Cook".
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering
Doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show
That nine out of ten people die of the disease you
Have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others
All died".
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married
On the same day and at the same time."
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped
Down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Jokes

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it's very simple: I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his."

Three Influential Humans : Jokes | SMS

JOKES & SMS

1. Hey friend remember that without stupidity there can be no wisdom and without ugliness there can be no beauty. so the world needs YOU after all!
2. A physiological study has proved that all the fools, donkeys, monkeys used their thumbs to read the messages. Don’t change your finger know its too late.
3. This sms can only be read by someone SMART, Try again, again, Maybe you are.. just not smart?? One more time. Hey don't force it ugly!!!
4. A Rose Is Always A Rose  Either It Is Planted In A Gold Pot Or In A Mud Same Way You Will Always Be My Friend  Either You Are In Central Jail Or In Mental Hospital
5. Was worried because in a Dream last night i saw All the Devils of the world have died,  Can you send me only 1 sms to make me sure that you are Still Alive?
6. Whnevr Likable Ppl Cross My Mind I Always Hve Such Pleasant Thoughts Of You U Always Bring Sch Happiness & Joy Those Who Lift Me Up Are Very Few ..

Three Influential Humans

God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he/she yanked up to Heaven three influential humans, George Bush, Russian President, and Bill Gates. "The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed.

"You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." Then, with another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Bush immediately called in his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly.

"The good news is that there is god. The bad news is Gods really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

The Russia President announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a god after all. The worse news is Gods mad and is going to end the world in a week."

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed.

"The better news is we don't have to fix Windows Vista."

Jokes

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Important Document

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when she found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in her hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Funny Killer English

Principal to student..." I saw you yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette... ? "
************ ********* ***
Class teacher once said :
" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"
************ ********* ***
once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."
************ ********* ***
"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."
************ ********* ***
don't. laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....
************ ********* ***
it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said
" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)
************ ********* ***
teacher in a furious mood...
write down your name and father of your name!!
************ ********* ***
"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"
************ ********* ***
My manager started like this
"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"
************ ********* ***
"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board
************ ********* ***
"will you hang that calendar or else I'll HANG MYSELF"
************ ********* ***
LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"
************ ********* ***
Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...
"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"
************ ********* ***
Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father
************ ********* ***
"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"
************ ********* ***
Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..
"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??
************ ********* ***
Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..
"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"