A very sweet anonymous commenter left this note on my last post a few days ago:
Anonymous said:
Hi, I've been a long time reader of your blog and you seem very smart and insightful. I am terribly embarrassed :: covers face in humiliation:: to even request that you blog about something but I am thinking about losing my virginity and I was wonder if either you could do a little something about your opinions or whatever or please offer any advice. I'm kinda nervous but mostly just need some reassurance. Could you help me out? :) Please?
First of all, Anonymous (I'll call you Anon to make it easier from here on out), thanks very much for reading and for thinking I seem smart and insightful. A very nice compliment. Second, there's absolutely no need to be embarrassed--every single one of us was where you're at at some point, and many still are. Third, It's a pleasure to have someone suggest a topic to me for a change--I wish more people would write in with questions! Plus, I haven't been writing a lot of sex-related posts lately, and I've been missing it a lot, but was lacking some inspiration. And now, here you are. So, thank you and I'm extra delighted to write a little something about it for you, and hopefully my commenters can weigh in with their ideas, too.
I should begin by pointing out that I have already written two posts related to virginity that you may be interested in. One is a post about my own first time, and the other is about the language used to discuss the concept of "virginity" and how I don't appreciate the terminology of loss and ruin affiliated with it ("losing her virginity," "defloration"). In fact, just the word VIRGIN seems so heavily fraught with said implications that I would prefer if we could move away from the term altogether. People are sexual beings from early in childhood. To hang all of the importance of sexual development on that one moment of penis-to-vagina coitus is just silly (not to mention entirely exclusionary for some sexually active people who don't DO penis-to-vagina coitus).
So, Anon, let's not call you a virgin, but a "sex newbie."
Now, I can't tell from your comment if you are a guy or a girl, what age you are, what your sexual orientation is, or if the partner you are planning on having sex with is also a virgin or not. Because of that my tips are going to have to be very general, and not focus on too many specific sexual tips. And also keep in mind that for every "rule" I might offer up here, there is always an exception. These are suggestions based on my own personal experience. If your experience differs, the "rules" for you may be different. But, to the best of my ability, here are what I think are a few things all sexual newbies should keep in mind.
1) Be SURE you're ready to have sex
You may be asking, "Yeah, but, how do I know if I'm totally sure?"
The answer is very simple. Ask yourself very bluntly, "Am I ready to have sex?" If your answer is anything other than an instant, "Yes!", with no other explanations or "becauses" added on, then you're not ready.
You may balk at that, but trust me on this one. If the answer is, "Well, I think so," you're not ready. If it's, "Yes, because it'll make my boyfriend/girlfriend so happy," you're not ready. It it's, "Yes, because at my age, people will think it's weird if I haven't had sex yet," you're not ready. If it's "Yes, because everyone else I know is already having sex, and I'm the only one who hasn't, and I'm a loser," you're not ready (and by the way, at least some percentage of "everyone else you know" is lying to cover up, trust me).
When you are ready to have sex, there will be no "becauses" after the "yes" other than "because I want to." When you are ready, you will know it with every inch of your being. You'll want it. Badly. I'm not saying you might not feel a little nervous about it, but it'll be the good, excited kind of nervous, not the bad, scared or worried kind of nervous.
If you don't feel that you want to do it with every inch of your being right now, I'd suggest you wait till you feel that way. You just need to have that "Yes! I want this more than anything!" feeling or it isn't going to be a great first experience. And trust me, I have a lot of friends who didn't have a great first experience because they pushed themselves ahead with it before feeling that "Yes!" feeling. And to a one, each has told me he/she wished he/she could go back now and re-do it. Whereas I waited a good long time till I felt that "Yes!" feeling (I was 20 when I first had full-on sex), but it was well worth the wait, because I enjoyed my first time thoroughly, and have no regrets about my first time at all. (And by the way, I'm not suggesting it's best to wait until you're any particular age--just make sure you wait until you are 100% certain you're ready, is all.)
2) Be realistic
The popular conception of one's first-time is that it supposedly "should" be this sacred love bond between two people. But conceptions are not necessarily realities. The real truth is that some people will arrive at that "Yes!" feeling as a result to having that kind of deep spiritual love connection with their partner. But some people's "Yes!" feeling will come from a surge of sheer lust--a physical need to fulfill a sexual drive. Either of those is entirely okay (so long as you don't try to fool your partner into thinking you feel something you don't, either way). And some may get to "Yes!" through an altogether different set of feelings than either of those. However, regardless of what got you to "Yes!", it's best to not build up your first time with SO much expectation that you are bound to be disappointed.
If romance, hearts, rose petals, and candles make your day, and you think it'll make your first time better, go on and have 'em. But my personal opinion is that that's the wrong primary focus. Just like everything else you try for the first time, things are not going to be perfect. Be ready for that. Don't focus so much on getting the "perfect" romantic setting that when it turns out you forgot to bring the candles, it kills your entire mood. Focus instead on the important basics: finding an environment where you feel safe and positive, where you can spend uninterrupted time, and you and your partner can communicate openly. That last one means you want somewhere where you won't have to whisper or stay silent because people are nearby and you don't want them to hear. Your first time needs to be a situation where you can openly communicate (and your lover can hear and respond to) how you're feeling and what feels good to you and what doesn't--and one where you can make lots of luscious, enthusiastic noise if the mood hits you, without feeling embarrassed about it.
3) Be open about your experience level with your partner
It's crucial that you let your partner know this is your first time having sex, and what you have and haven't done in bed so far. If your partner doesn't know your level of experience, he or she can't help make your first time a good one. He or she won't know where he/she has to slow down and explain, or where he/she needs to be more careful until you feel secure in what is going on. I can't stress this enough. For your own well-being, don't hide the fact that you're a virgin. Just explain this is new for you, and you may need some extra communication and teaching. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. And in fact, many, many people find it incredibly sexy to be someone's "first."
4) Choose your partner well
If I could rule the world, I would require all sex newbies to have their first time with someone who is experienced and certified (through an Sexual Aptitude Test) as having high scores as a sexual partner. The thought of two virgins trying to figure out how to have good first-time sex together seems sweet to me, but I'm guessing it probably doesn't make the best possible sexual experience you could have. Whereas, sleeping for the first time with someone who knows his/her stuff and who is a good, kind, patient, and passionate teacher can really be a benefit. But still, that's unrealistic. Some virgins are going to have sex with other virgins. Some are not. And even if you sleep with someone who's had 100 partners or more, that's no guarantee they'll be good in bed. So the key is, you want to maximize your chances you'll end up with a good partner for a first-time experience. With that in mind, here are some some early indicators to look for that may help predict who will be a good sexual partner when the time comes:
- He/she is good at kissing and foreplay. If you hate the way he/she kisses or touches your body before you even get without clouth with him/her, sex with him/her is going to suck. Find someone who it's a pleasure to make out with.
- You think he's/she's hot. No matter how nice the person is, if there's no physical attraction, it just ain't gonna be that good.
- You like him/her. Would you want to have a conversation with the person after you're done having sex? If not, don't have your first time with him/her. There is nothing more awkward or more of a let down than bad after-sex. And it'd be worse after a first-time experience.
- He/she likes you. Does the person treat you well? Are you certain the guy/girl is 100 percent into you in every way? Does he/she listen to what you're telling them? Do they respect your wishes about everyday things, as well as any early-on physical/sexual things? If the answer to any of these is "no" or only "kind of," this person won't be good in bed for you. And they might even be dangerous. Respect is KEY.
- You feel safe with the person--you know him/her well enough to trust him/her. During first-time sex you can feel very vulnerable; so the best sex will be with someone who you feel safe with--someone whose behavior and responses to you you can predict. You can't predict how a stranger is going to behave. Find someone you know and trust for your first time.
- He/she is a verbal communicator. If the person seems comfortable sharing his/her feelings with you, that is a good sign. If when he/she is getting physical with you, he/she is very verbally open about what feels good to him/her and what he/she would like more or less of, that's an even better sign. And if the person asks YOU if things feel good or what you'd like more or less of, this is the best sign of all. And if you get all three at once, you've hit the jackpot. This person will most likely be an ideal guide for a first sexual experience, because he/she will encourage open communication, will listen to your cues, and will teach YOU how to say what you want in bed, too, by his/her own good example.
Whew! That's all I have time for tonight. I have even more things to say, and will try to get a part two up as soon as I can, though I can't promise it'll be tomorrow.
But for the time being, readers--what do you think of the tips above? Agree? Disagree? Have more to add? Other suggestions for Anonymous? Please speak up!
And Anonymous, since Valentine's Day is coming up and I somehow suspect this might be your planned "moment of attack," I'll say to you that if I don't get to part two before then, and you know you have your "YES!" feeling good and ready to go...well, just relax, enjoy it, keep communication between yourself and your partner open, never be afraid to say (and be firm about) what you do and don't want. Also remember nothing is perfect when you do it the first time; the key is not to get it all right the first time, but to have a great time trying things out.
I hope this was useful to you. Good luck!
